I LIKE KAIJU

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I like kaiju.


The toy store was selling them for 5 cents a piece. I thought this was unusual since they were normally very expensive. I decided not to look a gift horse in the mouth so I bought two hundred of them. I like kaiju.

I took my two hundred kaiju home. I have a big car. I let one of them drive. His name was Bandai Big Scale Godzilla. He was retarded. In fact none of them were very bright. They kept punching themselves in the genitals. I laughed. They punched me in the genitals. I stopped laughing.

I herded them into my room. They didn't adapt too well to their new environment. They would screech and hurl themselves off the shelves at high speeds and slam into the wall. Although humorous at first, the spectacle lost its novelty halfway into its third hour.

Two hours later I found out why all the kaiju were so inexpensive; they all died. No apparent reason. They all just dropped dead. Kinda like when you buy a goldfish and five hours later it dies. God damn cheap kaiju.

I didn't know what to do. There were two hundred dead kaiju lying all over my room, on the bed, in the dresser, hanging from my bookcase. It looked like I had 200 scaly lawn ornaments. I tried to flush one down the toilet. It didn't work. It got stuck. Then I had one dead, wet kaiju and one hundred ninety-nine dead, dry kaiju.

I tried to pretend that they were just stuffed animals. That worked for a while. That is, until they began to decompose. It started to smell really bad.

I had to pee but there was a dead kaiju in my toilet and I didn't want to call a plumber. I was embarrassed.

I tried to slow down the decomposition by freezing them. Unfortunately there was only enough room for two at a time, so I had to change them out every 30 seconds. I also had to eat all the food so it didn't go bad.

I tried to burn them, but I didn't know that my bed was flammable. I had to extinguish the flames. Then I had one dead, wet kaiju in my toilet, two dead, frozen kaiju in my freezer, and one hundred ninety-seven dead, charred kaiju in a pile on my bed. The odor wasn't improving.

I became agitated at my inability to dispose of the dead kaiju and I really had to use the bathroom. So I went and severely beat one of the kaiju. I felt better.

I tried throwing them away but the garbage man said that the city was not allowed to dispose of charred reptiles. I told him I had a wet one. He couldn't take it either. I didn't bother asking about the frozen ones.

I finally arrived at a solution. I gave them out as Christmas presents. My friends on the Club Tokyo E-group pretended to like them, but I could tell they were lying. Ingrates. So I punched them all in the genitals.

I like kaiju.

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